Ever have “those” days? Me too.
Sometimes I have days where, for no foreseeable reason, I wake up in a foul mood. Usually on those days, the boys do too. Oh great, I think to myself. Here comes another one of “those” days. There are MegaBlocks covering every square inch of flooring, and the boys are running at full speed, crashing in to each other and turning everything in sight into a gun. Bodily functions are announced with pride at every opportunity, no amount of food satisfies the eating machines, and the mere mention of sitting down to take a quick rest brings forth wails of despair from these creatures who were blessed with far more energy for one day than I currently possess for a whole week.
DISCLAIMER: I love my boys. I worked harder and waited longer than many women to get them here, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.
Sometimes on those days, I find myself praying God, couldn’t you have given me a girl? Just one? I’m simply not cut out for boys.
I always figured I’d have one boy and one girl (as if I could choose). In my head, that was just the way it would be. We’d have the perfect (as if there is such a thing) American family who ran from ballet to baseball, and everything would be awesome. But God had a different plan for my life, even before my life began. “You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” [Psalm 139:15-16 NLT]
In other words, I am indeed cut out for being a Boy Mom, and God knew I’d be one before I was even born. Over the years, I have come to understand that God wouldn’t give me the privilege of becoming a mother if I wasn’t up for the responsibility. Despite the fact that there are plenty of moments each day where I feel sorely under qualified, He believes that not only am I capable of being a good mom, but that I can bear the awesome responsibility of raising <gulp> boys.
If I’m being truthful, there are days when my heart hurts for a girl. Sometimes I feel so envious of my friends who are Girl Moms… who can paint nails, curl and braid hair, and buy frilly clothes. Mothers who can share giggly conversations about cute boys while teaching the finer points of lipgloss application.
I often wonder, even eight years later, how many of the five sweet souls we offered straight into the arms of Jesus were girls. It may sound strange, but I believe that at least one of them was. I saw her face in a dream one night… her deep dimples, curly blond hair, and huge blue eyes. I won’t know for sure until I get to Heaven myself, but I long to gather them all in my arms and tell them how much I’ve always loved them.
In the meantime, it makes me feel a little better to remind myself that we won’t have to pay for any prom dresses or weddings. And my boys will reap the benefits of only having to deal with one bout of PMS a month. 🙂
All joking aside, I know that these boys were hand-picked for me by the One who created my life in the first place. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” [Jeremiah 29:11 NLT]
Although my house is often a disaster, my hope is in the Lord. I can count on His strength to get me through the days when all I want to do is sit down and quietly color with my kids for a few minutes, but instead, I’m ducking under a barrage of foam bullets and dodging the runaway dump truck aimed straight at my shins. I’m not sure I’ll ever get the hang of playing with boys. But they’re mine, and I love them so fiercely it hurts.
My constant prayer is that in the limited amount of time I have with them is that they too will come to know the hope… depend on the strength… receive the gifts offered by the One who created them. Instead of praying for girls of my own, I now pray for the girls who will someday marry my sons. These boys will grow up to be men in the next generation of great leaders, and it’s up to me to make sure they fulfill their potential with all the character and integrity they can muster.
This is a task that leaves little time for dwelling on what might have been. For in the blink of an eye, the noise and dirt of youth will be gone and my “babies” will tower over me.
Ryder, my Mounted Warrior:
And Evan, my Noble Protector.
My most precious (and noisy, and dirty, and charming, and funny, and…) earthly blessings.